Author: Stewart Francis

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West."

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I don’t think I got the job at Microsoft™… they didn’t respond to my telegram.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was at school I was great at history… oh wait, no I wasn't.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was a trapeze artist…. but I was let go.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I manufactured clown shoes… which was no small feat.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
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