Author: Stewart Francis

I'm not much of a storyteller… interesting how that all started…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Ridiculous stereotypes often make people very ignorant towards other nationalities. For example, I’m in good shape, intelligent, and I don’t have sex with my cousins, and yet still people assume I’m American.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I want to write a mystery novel… or do I?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I don’t think I could be gay… I just don’t have it in me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment; it's called Man or Myth.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music…
at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer













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