Author: Stewart Francis

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment; it's called Man or Myth.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend say’s that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Today’s subliminal thought is: …

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There's a fine line between hyphenated words…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I’m not a very competitive person… I’m always the first to say it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West."

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My fairy Godmother once asked me if I’d rather have a long penis or a long memory… I forget what my answer was.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

In school I wanted to join the debating team… but someone talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

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