Author: Stewart Francis

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I have been called too vague by you know who… but you know the old saying…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs… how do I know?… let’s just say a little bird told me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I want to write a mystery novel… or do I?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

What's that up the road? … a head?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was a trampoline salesman… off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job… especially if you’ve got hay fever.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer













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