Author: Stewart Francis

I was a lighting technician, off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Ridiculous stereotypes often make people very ignorant towards other nationalities. For example, I’m in good shape, intelligent, and I don’t have sex with my cousins, and yet still people assume I’m American.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Today’s subliminal thought is: …

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My uncle was a hypnotist who, “d i d … n o t … t o u c h … m e … w h e n … I … w a s … y o u n g !”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My fairy Godmother once asked me if I’d rather have a long penis or a long memory… I forget what my answer was.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we’ll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I'm not much of a storyteller… interesting how that all started…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I want to write a mystery novel… or do I?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer













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