Author: Stewart Francis

Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

All I had to my name were some letters and all I had in my pocket was a broken compass; I didn’t know which way to turn.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I’m not a very competitive person… I’m always the first to say it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was a trapeze artist…. but I was let go.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was a lighting technician, off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

A cure for agoraphobics is just around the corner.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There’s nothing but porn on TV these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I don’t think I got the job at Microsoft™… they didn’t respond to my telegram.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My uncle was a hypnotist who, “d i d … n o t … t o u c h … m e … w h e n … I … w a s … y o u n g !”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was at school I was great at history… oh wait, no I wasn't.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There's a fine line between hyphenated words…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Ridiculous stereotypes often make people very ignorant towards other nationalities. For example, I’m in good shape, intelligent, and I don’t have sex with my cousins, and yet still people assume I’m American.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I married way too young… she was Chinese.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer