Author: Stewart Francis

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job… especially if you’ve got hay fever.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

What's that up the road? … a head?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend say’s that I’m afraid of commitment… well she’s not my girlfriend… more a wife.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Definition of irony: Sharon Osborne judging talent

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You know what I think about people who don't like rape jokes… f**k em!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I want to write a mystery novel… or do I?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
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