Author: Stewart Francis

But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I married way too young… she was Chinese.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Today’s subliminal thought is: …

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

If I repeatedly stab my cornflakes does that make me a cereal killer?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was a lighting technician, off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was a trampoline salesman… off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I don’t think I could be gay… I just don’t have it in me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I think I’m really learning a lot from my creative writing classes; the entire experience is just indescribable.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree; he is still bitter and twisted.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Help children living with autism with one click. The Autism Site