Author: Stewart Francis

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

A cure for agoraphobics is just around the corner.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I don’t think I could be gay… I just don’t have it in me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was a lighting technician, off and on.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

All I had to my name were some letters and all I had in my pocket was a broken compass; I didn’t know which way to turn.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I'm not much of a storyteller… interesting how that all started…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer