Author: Stewart Francis

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West."

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Ways to Relieve Stress #10: Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I manufactured clown shoes… which was no small feat.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I want to write a mystery novel… or do I?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was sitting in traffic the other day… and I got run over.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was at school I was great at history… oh wait, no I wasn't.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment; it's called Man or Myth.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There’s nothing but porn on TV these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer













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