Author: Stewart Francis

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My mum walked in on me wanking and looking at her wedding pictures. "You perv!" she screamed at me.
It's not what you think, Mum… I was looking at the priest.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we’ll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

All I had to my name were some letters and all I had in my pocket was a broken compass; I didn’t know which way to turn.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Have you ever noticed how popular observational comedy is?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I manufactured clown shoes… which was no small feat.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

If I repeatedly stab my cornflakes does that make me a cereal killer?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer… so dad, if you’re up there…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs… how do I know?… let’s just say a little bird told me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You know what I think about people who don't like rape jokes… f**k em!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer













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