Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
Home
About
Categories
Activities
Age
Animals
Appearance
Beliefs
Characteristics
Communication
Conflict
Death
Education
Emotions
Entertainment
Family
Food/Drink
Government
Health
Intelligence
Life
Marriage
Miscellaneous
Money
People
Places
Problems
Relationships
Science/Weather
Sex
Situations
Sports
Success
Things
Time
Work
Additional Categories
Book Titles
Confucius say
Definitions
Epitaphs
Exaggerations
Expressions
Hollywood Squares
Insults
Last Words
Murphy's Laws
Place Names
Proverbs
Reviews/Criticism
Song Titles
Tom Swifties
TV/Movie Quotes
Oops...
Bushisms
Church Bulletins
Classified Ads
Colemanballs
Headlines
Malaprops
Misspokements
Signs
Translations
Yogi-isms
Some Popular Authors
Abraham Lincoln
Alfred E. Neuman
Ambrose Bierce
Benjamin Franklin
Dave Barry
Demetri Martin
Dorothy Parker
Emo Phillips
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
H.L. Mencken
Homer Simpson
Jeff Foxworthy
Jimmy Carr
Joan Rivers
Mae West
Mark Twain
Mitch Hedberg
Oscar Wilde
Phyllis Diller
Richard Lewis
Rita Rudner
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
Stewart Francis
W.C. Fields
Will Rogers
Woody Allen
View All Authors
Author: Stewart Francis Page 2
Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree; he is still bitter and twisted.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Marriage
Wives
Castanets
I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People
Dwarfs
Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous
Circumcised
Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Sex
Ugly
Oral sex
But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous
Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
Homeless
Knock knock jokes
I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers; they were on the edge of their seats.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Backpackers
I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family
Parents
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
Dalai Lama
Tibet
You know what I think about people who don't like rape jokes… f**k em!
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
Jokes
Rape
Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Alzheimer's
Jokes
You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia…
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Canada
Communication
Education
Learning
Places
Reading/Writing
There’s nothing but porn on TV these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
Television
Masturbation
Pornography
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Conflict
Crime
Situations
I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music…
at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
70's music
Karaoke
In school I wanted to join the debating team… but someone talked me out of it.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Speech
Debating
I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Dating
Language
Relationships
Blind dates
Blindness
Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
Television
Nudity
My parents are mixed-race… my father prefers the 100 meters… my mom is Pakistani.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Parents
Mixed-race
Page 2 of 6
« Previous
1
2
3
4
5
Next »
Last »