Author: Stewart Francis Page 2

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree; he is still bitter and twisted.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers; they were on the edge of their seats.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You know what I think about people who don't like rape jokes… f**k em!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There’s nothing but porn on TV these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music…
at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

In school I wanted to join the debating team… but someone talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. … Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind…” Watch me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My parents are mixed-race… my father prefers the 100 meters… my mom is Pakistani.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer