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Author: Stewart Francis Page 4
Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Situations
I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Rejection
What's that up the road? … a head?
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music…
at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
70's music
Karaoke
I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends
Relationships
Sex
I’m not a very competitive person… I’m always the first to say it.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics
Competitive
I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Education
School
Math
I married way too young… she was Chinese.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Canada
Education
Learning
I used to be a mime…. but now I can talk about it…
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Entertainment
Occupations
Speech
Work
Mimes
My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant… to be honest, that was her opinion.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Observant
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
Dalai Lama
Tibet
People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
Plagiarism
My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
In school I wanted to join the debating team… but someone talked me out of it.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Speech
Debating
When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.
My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family
Parents
Things
Skateboards
I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Miscellaneous
Speech
Helium
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Riveting
At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
Wheelchair
Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Insults
Places
Birmingham
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