Author: Stewart Francis Page 4

Today I held the elevator door open for a spastic… sorry that’s an inappropriate word for this site, I meant ‘lift.’

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I went to my local library yesterday, and asked: “Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

What's that up the road? … a head?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn't play any 70's music…
at first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I’m not a very competitive person… I’m always the first to say it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I married way too young… she was Chinese.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to be a mime…. but now I can talk about it…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant… to be honest, that was her opinion.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My sister has just married a Chinese billionaire… Cha Ching!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

In school I wanted to join the debating team… but someone talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Some people say Birmingham looks great in the summer. I reckon it looks better in the rear view mirror.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer