Author: Stewart Francis Page 5

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You know who really gives kids a bad name? … Posh and Becks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

In court I was found guilty of being egotistical… I am appealing.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

You know what I think about people who don't like rape jokes… f**k em!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers; they were on the edge of their seats.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I'm not much of a storyteller… interesting how that all started…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer