Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Author: Stewart Francis Page 5
I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Sex
Masturbation
Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Body
Penis
Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
Homeless
Knock knock jokes
There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the
Guinness Book of Records
for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Concussions
My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family
Fathers
Health
Schizophrenia
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Trainspotters
You know who really gives kids a bad name? … Posh and Becks.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children
Communication
Wordplay
Posh Spice & David Beckham’s children Brooklyn Joseph - Romeo James - Cruz David & Harper Seven
I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Communication
Speech
Debate
My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Family
Fathers
Speech
I really like what mechanics wear… overall.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Clothing
Work
Mechanics
Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance
Sex
Ugly
Oral sex
In court I was found guilty of being egotistical… I am appealing.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
You know what I think about people who don't like rape jokes… f**k em!
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment
Jokes
Rape
I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers; they were on the edge of their seats.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Language
Backpackers
I'm not much of a storyteller… interesting how that all started…
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Speech
Storytellers
My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Death
Language
At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
Wheelchair
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Conflict
Crime
Situations
There are two types of people I hate… racists and Norwegians.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People
Racists
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Wordplay
Dalai Lama
Tibet
Page 5 of 6
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