Author: W.C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Never give a sucker an even break.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I could only teach him how to juggle his books.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
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