Author: W.C. Fields

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I drink therefore I am.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Never give a sucker an even break.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon… and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I'm looking for loopholes.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Peggy: I’m sitting on something!

Professor Quail: I lost mine in the stock market.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?

Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer