Author: W.C. Fields

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never met a kid I liked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?

S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Never give a sucker an even break.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?

Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
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