Author: W.C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising… it was the only exercise I got.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never met a kid I liked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.

S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I drink therefore I am.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer













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