Author: W.C. Fields

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Peggy: I’m sitting on something!

Professor Quail: I lost mine in the stock market.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew; I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon… and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I could only teach him how to juggle his books.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer













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