Author: W.C. Fields

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?

Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Secretary: Someday you’ll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.

S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I am an expert of electricity; my father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

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