Author: W.C. Fields

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?

Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Thou shalt not steal – only from other comedians.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I am an expert of electricity; my father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?

S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Secretary: Someday you’ll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
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