Author: W.C. Fields

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

She's all done up like a well-kept grave.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I like my films to influence the audience; even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Mrs. Gideon: Well! I’m afraid I can’t say anything good about her.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: I can see what’s good. Tell me the rest.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer













The Literacy Site