Author: W.C. Fields

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

To the question: Do married people live longer?

Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Peggy: I’m sitting on something!

Professor Quail: I lost mine in the stock market.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Waitress: And another thing, don’t be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer