Author: W.C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?

Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?

S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
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