Author: W.C. Fields Page 2

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!

Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?

The Great Man: No, I couldn’t stand the noise!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I could only teach him how to juggle his books.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer