Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Food/Drink Time

Never give a sucker an even break.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

To the question: Do married people live longer?

Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Life Marriage Time

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Beliefs Food/Drink Individuals

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Age People Relationships Women

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
People TV/Movie Quotes Women

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage People Women

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Appearance Family Relationships

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Situations

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?

S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage Wives

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics Eating Food/Drink

Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? … a handsome lass if there ever was one – and exceptionally well-preserved too.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Appearance Body

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

I drink therefore I am.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Wordplay

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Death Food/Drink