Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Mrs. Gideon: Well! I’m afraid I can’t say anything good about her.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: I can see what’s good. Tell me the rest.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Waitress: And another thing, don’t be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?

S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer