Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee”

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Cooking Food/Drink Wine

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places California Freeze State

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Wives

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Situations Gambling

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Health Time Hospital Nurse

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Beliefs Food/Drink Individuals

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Money Gambling

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Self Drunkenness W.C. Fields

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Speech Action Agents Fired

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Prejudices

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family

Fields reloading!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted "Camera reloading!")

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Insults About a detested doctor

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Situations

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!
Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?
The Great Man: No, I couldn’t stand the noise!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” Hangover

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Blood

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Fields reloading!

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!
Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?
The Great Man: No, I couldn’t stand the noise!

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.