Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Go away kid, you bother me.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!

Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? … a handsome lass if there ever was one – and exceptionally well-preserved too.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!

Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?

The Great Man: No, I couldn’t stand the noise!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I feel as though the Russian Army has been walking over my tongue in their stocking feet.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Secretary: Someday you’ll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer