Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Fathers

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Smoking

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Government Law Lawyers Mothers People Legitimacy

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Mae West

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Failure Situations Success

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Situations Gambling

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places California Freeze State

Never give a sucker an even break.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Eating Food/Drink

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Miscellaneous Promises

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage People Women

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Water

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Things Stick Trust Water

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Beliefs Religion Church

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Betting Lady Godiva

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Beliefs Intelligence Religion

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Food/Drink Time Cook Tender Tough

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Death Dead fish Swim

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Eating Food/Drink Breakfast Laziness Pancakes

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.