Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Leprosy

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hollywood Places Delirium tremens

Never give a sucker an even break.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Mae West

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Time Seen not heard

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Men People Relationships Women

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Eustace McGargle in “Poppy”

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Situations

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Food/Drink

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Life Marriage Time

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Insults Declining to play golf with someone he didn't like

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Women Crazy

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Betting Lady Godiva

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Situations Undertakers

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Business

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 5

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbors’s house… unless they have a well-stocked bar.

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

When I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.