Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 8

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.
S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great McGonigle in “The Old Fashioned Way”

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Time When asked during prohibition why (if he didn't have a drinking problem) he bought 300 cases of gin before it started

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Sex Fish Water

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Things Cheating Owning

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Food/Drink Time Cook Tender Tough

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Money Taxes

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Leprosy

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Speech Action Agents Fired

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 8

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.
S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

I didn’t think prohibition would last that long.

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.