Author: Will Rogers

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

I don't make jokes… I just watch the government and report the facts.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

The Venus de Milo is a good example of what happens to somebody who won't stop biting her fingernails.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing – and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Once a man wants to hold a public office, he is absolutely no good for honest work.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

It takes nerve to be a Democrat, but it takes money to be a Republican.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Calvin Coolidge didn’t say much, and when he did, he didn’t say much.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Always drink upstream from the herd.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Liberty doesn't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator