Author: Wilson Mizner

Many a live wire would be a dead one except for his connections.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

This might have been good for a picture… except it has too many characters in it.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Entertainment Film

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Marriage

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Intelligence People

Failure has gone to his head.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Failure Insults Problems

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands Marriage Situations Sleep Wives

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Communication Insults Opinion

Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking with your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Last words

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Appearance Body Insults

The most efficient water power in the world – women's tears.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Women

Art is science made clear.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Art Science/Weather

Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Life Time

In the battle of existence, talent is the punch; tact is the clever footwork.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Frugal Insults Money

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Death

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

Another pot of coffee, waiter, and bring it under your arm to keep it warm.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Food/Drink

A trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Hollywood Insults Places

Why should I talk to you?… I've just been talking to your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Communication Death God

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Education Religion

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, "Have you read…"

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Honesty Lies