Author: Wilson Mizner

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor – unassisted.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Emotions Love

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands Marriage Situations Sleep Wives

Why should I talk to you?… I've just been talking to your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Beliefs Communication Death God

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

Many a live wire would be a dead one except for his connections.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing from something.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Activities

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Death

He'd steal a hot stove and come back for the smoke.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Insults

He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Frugal Insults Money

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Animals Insults

In the battle of existence, talent is the punch; tact is the clever footwork.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics

The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were the people who knew they were wrong.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People

The most efficient water power in the world – women's tears.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Women

Failure has gone to his head.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Failure Insults Problems

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking with your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Last words

Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Life Time

A trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Hollywood Insults Places

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Government Insults Law Lawyers Money

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Places Relationships

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, "Have you read…"

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Honesty Lies