Author: Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people: the good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I ran into Isosceles; he has a great idea for a new triangle!

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

This stuff tastes awful. I could make a fortune selling it in my health food store.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I have an interesting case. I’m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’m getting paid by eight people.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex is better than talk… talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I've never been an intellectual, but I have this look.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian