Author: Woody Allen

If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Warren Beatty’s fingertips.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Luna: So then, what do you believe in?

Miles: Sex and death – two things that come once in a lifetime… but at least after death, you're not nauseous.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year… then I'm going to Lourdes.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me, I’m profoundly grateful to her.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I am at two with nature.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex is better than talk… talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

According to modern astronomers, space is finite; this is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian













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