Author: Woody Allen

Living is messy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Marriage is the death of hope.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My knowledge of art is limited to Kirk Douglas as Vincent Van Gogh.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

There is no question that there is an unseen world; the problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don’t think my family liked me… they put a live teddy bear in my crib.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille; I used to rub the dirty parts.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? .. or what'’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You always think another time would have been ideal for you; the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
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