Author: Woody Allen

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Soldier: He was from my village. He was the village idiot.
Boris: Yeah, what did you do, place?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Oral contraceptive: The word "no."

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Luna: It’s hard to believe that you haven’t had sex for 200 years.

Miles: 204, if you count my marriage.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering… and it’s all over much too soon.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I believe there is something out there watching over us… unfortunately, it's the government.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Linda: Would you like us to call a doctor?

Allan: No, no, I could use a three foot band-aid.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge… others only gargle.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex is better than talk… talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
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