Author: Woody Allen

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Nancy: My lawyer will call your lawyer.

Allan: I don’t have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan… I stroke.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I've never been an intellectual, but I have this look.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was nauseous and tingly all over… I was either in love or I had smallpox.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Luna: It’s hard to believe that you haven’t had sex for 200 years.

Miles: 204, if you count my marriage.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I can’t listen to that much Wagner… I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he really wants is to exchange fluids.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' – probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian













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