Author: Woody Allen

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I am at two with nature.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Marriage is the death of hope.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' – probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Most of the time I don’t have much fun; the rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’’t tan… I stroke.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was nauseous and tingly all over… I was either in love or I had smallpox.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again… Great, I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as Warren Beatty’s fingertips.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I have an interesting case. I’m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’m getting paid by eight people.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Living is messy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
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