Author: Woody Allen

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was nauseous and tingly all over… I was either in love or I had smallpox.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Luna Schlosser: What’s it feel like to be dead for 200 years?

Miles Monroe: Like spending a weekend in Beverly Hills.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering… and it’s all over much too soon.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I believe people ought to mate for life… like pigeons or Catholics.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You always think another time would have been ideal for you; the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sonja: What are you suggesting, passive resistance?

Boris: No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm not anti-social – I'm just not social.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I have an interesting case. I’ m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’ m getting paid by eight people.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people: the good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I took a test in Existentialism; I left all the answers blank and got 100.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian













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