Author: Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Living is messy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

There is no question that there is an unseen world; the problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Soldier: He was from my village. He was the village idiot.
Boris: Yeah, what did you do, place?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Marriage is the death of hope.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

God is silent; now if only man would shut up.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm not anti-social – I'm just not social.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

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