Author: Woody Allen Page 2

You always think another time would have been ideal for you; the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Marriage is the death of hope.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don’t want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Most of the time I don’t have much fun; the rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex and death; two things that come once in a lifetime… only after death, you’re not so nauseous.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m really a timid person – I was beaten up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don’ t know if you’ ve read my book, “Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Hannah: Excessive masturbation?

Mickey: You gonna start knockin’ my hobbies?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was the best I ever had.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian