Author: Woody Allen Page 3

Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Hannah: Excessive masturbation?

Mickey: You gonna start knockin’ my hobbies?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don’t want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I ran into Isosceles; he has a great idea for a new triangle!

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Living is messy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Marriage is the death of hope.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing – between five it's fantastic.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I have an interesting case. I’m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’m getting paid by eight people.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don’t think I’m up to a performance, but I’ll rehearse with you, if you like.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian