Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, proverbs, Murphy's Laws & more
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Woody Allen
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Author: Woody Allen Page 3
Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.
Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Boris in “Love and Death”
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death
Emotions
Fear
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People
Places
Science/Weather
World
Chinatown
Universe
Hannah: Excessive masturbation?
Mickey: You gonna start knockin’ my hobbies?
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Mickey in “Hannah and Her Sisters”
Masturbation
Sex alleviates tension; love causes it.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions
Love
Sex
Tension
I don’t want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Life
Work
Life after death
I ran into Isosceles; he has a great idea for a new triangle!
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Science/Weather
Geometry
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch; my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death
Situations
Grandfathers
Watch
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs
God
Plumbers
Living is messy.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Life
Living
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Divorce
Marriage
Sex
Orgasms
Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage
Hope
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics
Education
Moral bankruptcy
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes
As Allan Felix From “Play It Again Sam”
Suicide
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Art
Entertainment
Life
Television
I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Food/Drink
Oysters
Sex between two people is a beautiful thing – between five it's fantastic.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex
I have an interesting case. I’m treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I’m getting paid by eight people.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes
As Leonard Zelig in “Zelig”
Psychiatry
Siamese twins
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Divorce
Marriage
The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Health
Speech
From "Deconstructing Harry"
Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don’t think I’m up to a performance, but I’ll rehearse with you, if you like.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex
TV/Movie Quotes
As Miles Monroe in “Sleeper”
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