Author: Woody Allen Page 4

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he really wants is to exchange fluids.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Sonja: What are you suggesting, passive resistance?

Boris: No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The only cultural advantage L.A. has over New York is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I am at two with nature.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Luna: You were screaming out different names in your sleep.

Miles: I was having sexual nightmares.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian