Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.
Van Roy's Truism
For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3:00 a.m.
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
If it’s free, it’s advice; if you pay for it, it’s counseling; if you can use either one, it’s a miracle.
(1895 – 1968) Canadian hockey player, coach & general manager
I listen carefully to their advice; but having gathered the device [sic], I decide, you know, I say, 'This is what we're going to do.'
George W. Bush
(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
I have a bit of advice for hungry young comedians – eat something.
(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
You’ll always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heat waves.
(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
If I needed advice from my caddie, he'd be hitting the shots and I'd be carrying the bag.
American professional golfer
No vice is so bad as advice.
(1868 – 1934) Canadian-American actress
Here's some advice for you guys: never hire a clown named Molesto.
Those with the best advice offer no advice.
Dave's Law of Advice
We hate to have some people give us advice because we know how badly they need it themselves.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing; just show me somebody naked.
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Among the many remedies that won’t cure a cold, the most common is advice.
Advice: Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain.
Be moderate in all things, including moderation.
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
First Law of Advice
Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example.
François de la Rochefoucald
(1613 – 1680) French writer
We always admire the intelligence of those who ask us for advice.
(1927 – ) American lawyer, activist & public official
The trouble with giving advice is that people want to repay you.
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.
George Washington Harris
(1814 – 1869) American humorist
If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell him something for his own good.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
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