Keyword: Airplanes

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.

The distance to the gate from which your flight departs is inversely proportional to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

It's strange, isn't it… you stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

The first word you see at the airport is “terminal.”

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Old-timers weekends, and airplane landings are alike; if you can walk away from them, they’re successful.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

The food on the plane was fit for a king… “Here, King!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets.

American playwright, television writer & author

Folks, if we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna be used as a toilet.


I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets; it seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright

When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
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