Keyword: Babies

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs; then I tasted baby food.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Experimenting with Babies

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright

Never hit a baby… even if they start it.

Canadian-American comedian & writer

A seven pound baby arrived last night to frighten the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Sherman Caswell.

Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Out of the mouth of babes… usually when you’ve got your best suit on.

Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist

The baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning.

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist