Keyword: Babies

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children Family

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature; plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Health

Out of the mouths of babes comes cereal.

Children Family Wordplay

Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit.

Children Definitions Family

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

Never hit a baby… even if they start it.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Miscellaneous

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Family

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Insults Relationships Ugly

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.

Children Definitions Family

Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Children Family People Travel

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

That’s smoother than a spanked baby’s butt

Miscellaneous

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother’s singing.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Communication Entertainment Family Mothers

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Family

The baby wakes up in the wee wee hours of the morning.

Children Family Wordplay

Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family