Keyword: Birth

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

When people ask me what sign I was born under, I say "I'm not certain, but it could have been the one that says 'Dining Car in opposite direction'."

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Women won't even brag about [giving birth]… we men, when we fix a doorknob, drinks are on the house.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The harsh truth is that the cause of death is birth.

(1937 – ) English painter, printmaker, stage designer & photographer

I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

What's the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?

stand-up comedian

The moment you're born you're done for.

1867 – 1931) English novelist

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

(1883 – 1965) French-born composer

Prosecutor: Chicolini, when were you born?
Chicolini: I don’t-a remember. I was just a little baby.

(1887 – 1961) comedian, actor & member of the Marx Brothers

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show; when you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person’s body will walk around for months just going, ‘Oh my God; what else don’t I know about Planet Earth?’

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body… then I was born.

American stand up comedian & juggler

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host