Keyword: From Weekend Update on “Saturday Night Live”

The presidential race continued to tighten up – in fact, according to some polls, John McCain is only 6 points behind Sarah Palin.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Elections/Voting TV/Movie Quotes

[on George Burns’s 100th birthday] I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either.

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush’s job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an ‘F’.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Miscellaneous

If convicted [Scooter] Libby could face the following penalties: obstruction of justice: 10 years in prison; making false statements: 5 years; perjury: 4 years; going to jail with the name Scooter: priceless.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush at the White House this week. Bono urged the president to help the world’s poor; Bush urged Bono to get back with Cher.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

Oprah Winfrey has named her new $51 million estate ‘Tara 2,’ after Scarlett O’Hara’s plantation in Gone With The Wind; meanwhile, Sally Jessy Raphael has named her new estate Apartment 4B.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host
Miscellaneous

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s popularity has been slipping in recent months as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

Last week, Hurricane Wilma grew into the strongest storm ever recorded in the Atlantic, with sustained winds at 175 miles per hour… or, as it’s called around FEMA, ‘Casual Friday’.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

Al Qaeda on Friday released a statement confirming the death of Osama Bin Laden. They also announced that, as a result, Monday will be a half-day.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska. This week President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel; which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008; Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

A 13 year old girl in Brooklyn on Tuesday won 50 thousand dollars at the National Texting Championship by typing out a verse from “Old McDonald” in 60 seconds… not only that, but she only went off the road twice.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as ‘mildly pro-choice,’ which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
TV/Movie Quotes