Keyword: Funerals

A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Communication Death Speech

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral – which I thought was cocky.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Death

At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless;' I don't know — to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.

American comedian
Death Money Poverty

If anyone cries at my funeral, I will never speak to him again.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)
Death

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Death

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Death Self

You might be a redneck if… you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

Amazing tradition. They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can’t come.

(1952 – ) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I hate going to funerals because I’m not a mourning person.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Communication Death Wordplay

Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies’ Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral

Book Titles Death

Why shouldn’t we air grievances at funerals?

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Death

Jolson’s funeral was widely attended by those who wanted to make sure.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer
Death

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize,’ … except at a funeral.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Language

In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Death

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Death

People get way too much credit at funerals.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Death

The Johnson family will attend the funeral of Susie's former husband, who died in Flint, Michigan tomorrow.

Church Bulletins

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

(1892 – 1964) singer, dancer, comedian, actor & songwriter
Death Marriage

I hope you go before me because I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Death Entertainment

Funerereal

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops