Keyword: Suicide

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets; all they found was a pile of dust.

comedian

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse – as a man shoots himself.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I find, then, I am but a bad anatomist.

(1763 – 1798) Irish revolutionary figure

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me – I quit."

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

He’s too nervous to kill himself; he wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

(1920 – 2000) American actor

I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord… I kept almost dying.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Suicide is cheating the doctor out of a job.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

If… you have never contemplated suicide… you’ve never truly been in love; if… you have never contemplated murder…you’ve never been divorced.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A candidate could easily commit political suicide if he were to come up with an unconventional thought during a presidential tour.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement; we signed a mutual suicide pact.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer