Keyword: Suicide

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Suicide is cheating the doctor out of a job.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

I find, then, I am but a bad anatomist.

(1763 – 1798) Irish revolutionary figure

He’s too nervous to kill himself; he wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

(1920 – 2000) American actor

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me – I quit."

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If… you have never contemplated suicide… you’ve never truly been in love; if… you have never contemplated murder…you’ve never been divorced.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

A candidate could easily commit political suicide if he were to come up with an unconventional thought during a presidential tour.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor

If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men, he would kill himself.

(1824 – 1895) French writer

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement; we signed a mutual suicide pact.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets; all they found was a pile of dust.


I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

There have been times when I’ve thought about it – but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse – as a man shoots himself.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

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