Subject: Beliefs » God

Man is Creation’s masterpiece; but who says so?

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher

The only thing that stops God sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless.

(1741 – 1794) French writer

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

The Bible declares that on the sixth day God created man; right then and there, God should have demanded a damage deposit.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.

(1907 – 1989) American writer

Do I believe in God? … Let’s say we have a working relationship.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

God will pardon me… it is His trade.

(1797 – 1856) German critic & poet

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

Men don't get cellulite — God might just be a man.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike; then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way… so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

I hope God speaks English; if I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle… unless you die of something.

(1935 – ) American cartoonist

Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.

(1884 – 1966) French author

If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created.

novelist, screenwriter & businessman

I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God… contact lenses.

(1971 – ) British comedian

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast… if God wants to play through, let him.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Jolson's ego was so big he could have given the Lord himself an inferiority complex.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director