Subject: Education

Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.

(1818 – 1883) German philosopher, economist, sociologist & socialist

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

The Romans would never have found time to conquer the world if they had been obliged first to learn Latin.

(1797 – 1856) German critic & poet

Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.

Dad taught me everything I know; unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.

(1962 – ) American race car driver

Men are like textbooks: you have to spend a lot of time between the covers to gain a small amount of satisfaction.

Dan Quayle is going around the country giving C students a bad name.

American comedian, writer, producer & actor

Graduate school: The place where a young scholar goes off their parents’ payroll – and on to their spouse’s.

Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.

(1949 – 1982) American comedian, actor & musician

With one or two exceptions, colleges expect their players of games to be reasonably literate.

(1898 – 1971) English classical scholar & academic

A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.

American basketball coach & executive

Professor: A person whose job is to tell students how to solve the problems of life he avoided by becoming a professor.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

According to a new geographic literacy study 4 out of 10 American students couldn't find Iraq on a map; however 10 out of 10 Mexicans could find the U.S. without a map.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you wanted.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

To learn that all I really need to know I learned in kindergarten, I needed to go to grad school.


I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything one learned in school.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

He reminds me of the kid in fifth grade who reminded the teacher she forgot to give the homework.

writer & comedian