Author: Alfred E. Neuman

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

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Education Occupations Sleep

These days the meaning of a faithful husband is one whose alimony checks arrive on time.

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Husbands Marriage

Most people still believe in a hard day’s work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two.

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Time Work

If people wanted your unsolicited advice, they’d ask for it.

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Beliefs Opinion

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!

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People

Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to traffic court.

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Characteristics Truth

Blood is thicker than water… but it makes lousy lemonade!

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Relationships

The reason most people talk to themselves is because they’re often the only ones who will listen.

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Communication Speech

It’s not the work that keeps most people from doing volunteer work, it’s the pay!

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Work

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

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Activities Relationships

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!

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Health Money

Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than at reading them.

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Money People

The dollar will never fall as low as what some people will do to get it.

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Money

All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.

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Crime Government Law Lawyers

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

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Doctors Health Occupations

A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course!

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Golf People Sports

Crime does not pay… as well as politics.

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Conflict Crime Government Politics

The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!

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Money Past Time

It takes one to know one – and vice versa!

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Misspokements

Money still talks these days… trouble is, you have to increase the volume alot!

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Death Money Time

The psychiatrist’s office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Doctors Health