Author: Bob Hope

He was so crooked that when he died they had to screw him into the ground.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw  at me.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Four of us slept in the one bed; when it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I was once so broke I forgot whether you cut steak with a knife or drank it with a spoon.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The reason Jack Benny is looking so sad these days is that he’s not only losing a daughter – but losing a deduction too.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

If they liked you, they didn’t applaud – they just let you live.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

The good news is that Jesus is coming back; the bad news is that he's really pissed off.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

You still chase women, but only downhill.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Harry had won by such a narrow margin he might not have made it if Bess hadn't voted for her husband.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

He rules the country with an iron fist – the same way he plays the piano.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

A triumph for democracy; it proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anybody else.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor