Author: David Feherty

The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

Never has my flabber been so completely gasted

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

I lost 150 lbs. if you include my wife.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

That was a great shot – if they’d put the pin there today.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

This one'll slide down the hill like a greased piglet.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

That ball is so far left Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

It is so long it’s the first time I’ve had to take into account the curvature of the earth.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

It looks like a one armed man trying to wrestle a snake in a phone booth.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

Fortunately he is 22 years old, so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

Win and you are the superior being in all the universe; lose, and may the fleas of a million rodents, infect your every orifice.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

It looks like he has a divot over each ear.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

I just stood there watching him walk past and thinking, ‘I don’t know what that is, but I know there weren’t two of them on Noah’s Ark.’

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

I wouldn't trust him to sit on a toilet the right way.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

They're why the Hubble telescope is pointed away from the earth.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

They look like two lobsters trying to mate.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

I don't think he'd even be happy with ice cream right now.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

[The ball] came out like a dead mouse from a cornfield.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

It's like an octopus falling out of a tree.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

That one is so far right Michael Moore could make a documentary about it.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator