Author: Groucho Marx

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report… run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can’t make head or tail of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Now there's a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Say, when do they begin?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

It is not necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Humor is reason gone mad.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you… he really is an idiot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Peerless Pauline: I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.

J. Cheever Loophole: Oh, someone like me, I’m not good enough for you, eh?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Men's tonsils, please.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host