Author: Richard Lewis

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Self

She was hostile: you don’t have an orgasm and say to your lover, ‘Take that!'

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Relationships Sex

There’s nothing to fear but life itself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Fear Wordplay

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

What’s a Jewish mobster?… ‘I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Conflict People

I am much more comfortable in someone else’s skin.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Doctors Health

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self Sex

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was: “Of course I know that I’m wrong.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Communication People Self Speech

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Self

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Self

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Food/Drink