Author: Stewart Francis

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I have a girlfriend… I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for …….. sex!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I’m a plagiarist… their word, not mine.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers; they were on the edge of their seats.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that voice.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I got a new job stitching shoes; it was so-so.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Today’s subliminal thought is: …

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I was a young lad living under a poker table with a chip on my shoulder.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

In court I was found guilty of being egotistical… I am appealing.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer