Random One-Liners

The guy literally flew down the stairs!

Malaprops

We’re on the same page length.

Mixed metaphors

Sure bet

Oxymorons

Do I believe in God? … Let’s say we have a working relationship.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Beliefs God

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Murphy’s Laws

I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out.

Miscellaneous

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Doctors Health

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations

Woody: What’s a Freudian Slip?

Cliff: That’s when you say one thing when you’re actually thinking about a mother.

(1947 – ) American actor & entrepreneur
TV/Movie Quotes

Increasingly few

Oxymorons

Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Characteristics People

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Intelligence Law Opinion

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults

Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Money

Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop

Headlines

It's like pulling hen's teeth.

Mixed metaphors

Give them pleasure – the same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
Emotions Entertainment Film

Infernal Revenue

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops

I’m gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
TV/Movie Quotes

An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.

(1913 – 1960) French-Algerian author, philosopher & journalist
Intelligence People