Random One-Liners

The Unknown Clouds Search for School Superintendent

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


… With patience wait perforce to die And in a short time you'll come to I.

A high paying rush job comes in only after you've committed to a low paying rush job.

The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Whaddya say, Norm?

Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

I’ll give you a definite maybe.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

Lust is what keeps you wanting to do it even when you have no desire to be with each other; love is what makes you want to be with each other even when you have no desire to do it.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

I’ve got ten pairs of training shoes… one for every day of the week.

(1966 – ) English dance-pop singer, actress & former model

A dying man can do nothing easily.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Beanville, Vermont

Here lies the body of Jonathan Near Whose mouth it stretched from ear to ear. Tread softly, stranger, o'er this wonder, For if he yawns, you're gone, by thunder.

If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

You may be right, but it hasn’t reached his legs yet!

Scottish football player & manager

Plum tuckered

No matter how clear the skies are, a thunderstorm will move in 5 minutes after the papers are delivered.

My wife… its difficult to say what she does… she sells seashells on the seashore.

(1964 – ) English comedian

I know if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Lennon Guitar sells for £20,000. No Strings Attached.