Random One-Liners

Objective opinion

Oxymorons

After conducting a concert in a small town, I once received the following note from a farmer who had attended the performance: “Dear Sir, I wish to inform you that the man who played the long thing you pull in and out only did so during the brief periods you were looking at him.

(1867 – 1957) Italian conductor
Entertainment Music

Hillary Clinton Says U.S. Stands Ready to Provide Ass

Headlines

The main reason I don’t cheat on my girlfriend is so I can go for a shower without taking my phone, laptop and iPad with me.

British comedian
Computers Relationships Things

No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine… he’s been dining off I Don’t Like Mondays for 30 years.

(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer
Insults

As long as you are a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my house.

(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host
Government Taxes

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health Life

I don’t room with him [Babe Ruth]; I room with his suitcase.

professional baseball player
Activities Baseball Misspokements Sports

Cat: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.

Animals Cats Definitions

Health is the thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of the year.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Health Time

I can tell you it’s a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through.

New Zealand rugby player & commentator
Misspokements Sports

Peter Marshall: What is the plural of “titmouse?”

McLean Stevenson: Ooh-kay, got your mouse, got your meece and got your mice. It’s titsmouse… (laughter) titsmice… uh, (more laughter) titmice!

(1927 – 1996) American actor
Hollywood Squares

Sugar Ray Leonard's retirements last about as long as Elizabeth Taylor's marriages.

professional boxing promoter
Boxing Sports

I’m rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?

professional baseball player
Misspokements Sports

Conscience: A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps you from enjoying it.

Definitions

You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Marriage Wives

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

TV/Movie Quotes

Brothel: Home is where the tart is.

Definitions

Confucius say… gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls.

Confucius say

What you don't know will always hurt you.

Murphy’s Laws

I'm a realist. You don't enter a Volkswagen at Indy unless you know a helluva shortcut.

Boxing Sports