Random One-Liners

The bride’s family sat on this side, and the groom’s family sat on that side ’cause of the restraining order.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Marriage

Normally you have news, weather and travel, but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.

(1976 – ) English comedian & actor
Science/Weather

I think we should change the name of Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes to ‘Not Your Fault Diabetes’ and ‘Mostly Your Fault Diabetes.’

American comedian
Health

[Dan] Quayle thinks Roe vs. Wade are two ways to cross the Potomac.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
People

He'll take your head off at the blink of a hat.

Mixed metaphors

Was suddenly killed at early dawn, July 4th, 1842, by the explosion of a small canon, aged 15 years

Epitaphs

Severed Hand Saved By Peas

Headlines

Staff Reported a Staff Member Found a Large Amount of White Powder Substance Around Her Chalkboard

Headlines

Feds: Man Made Child Porn

Headlines

I know I’m God because when I pray to him I find I’m talking to myself.

(1931 – 2004) English playwright & screenwriter
Beliefs God People Self

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Age Emotions Money Old

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
TV/Movie Quotes

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Activities Golf Sports

The same dress is indecent ten years before its time; daring one year before its time; chic in its time; dowdy five years after its time; hideous twenty years after its time; amusing thirty years after its time; romantic one hundred years after its time; beautiful one hundred and fifty years after its time.

(1899 – 1975) English fashion designer & critic
Appearance Clothing

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations

Don't mind me, I'm just a mouse on the wall.

Mixed metaphors

Confucius say… woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.

Confucius say

Safe House will have you on the edge of your seat – so you can spring out of it the second the credits roll.

film critic
Reviews/Criticism

Chozen is a truly bizarre blend of programming as it mixes prison and rap culture with Revenge of the Nerds.

film reviewer
Entertainment Reviews/Criticism Television

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic
Characteristics England People Places

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

(1949 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Golf Sports