Random One-Liners

The Unknown Clouds Search for School Superintendent

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I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

… With patience wait perforce to die And in a short time you'll come to I.

Epitaphs

A high paying rush job comes in only after you've committed to a low paying rush job.

Money Murphy’s Laws Work

The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Congress Government

Whaddya say, Norm?

Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor
Beer TV/Movie Quotes

I’ll give you a definite maybe.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Misspokements

Lust is what keeps you wanting to do it even when you have no desire to be with each other; love is what makes you want to be with each other even when you have no desire to do it.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist
Emotions Love

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

Education School

I’ve got ten pairs of training shoes… one for every day of the week.

(1966 – ) English dance-pop singer, actress & former model
Appearance Clothing Misspokements

A dying man can do nothing easily.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Last words

Fields reloading!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

Beanville, Vermont

Miscellaneous

Here lies the body of Jonathan Near Whose mouth it stretched from ear to ear. Tread softly, stranger, o'er this wonder, For if he yawns, you're gone, by thunder.

Epitaphs

If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Relationships

You may be right, but it hasn’t reached his legs yet!

Scottish football player & manager
Sports

Plum tuckered

Miscellaneous

No matter how clear the skies are, a thunderstorm will move in 5 minutes after the papers are delivered.

Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

My wife… its difficult to say what she does… she sells seashells on the seashore.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Communication

I know if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Emotions Family Happiness Mothers

Lennon Guitar sells for £20,000. No Strings Attached.

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