Random One-Liners

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Things Time

You’re a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing great with you!

(1935 – 2002) English actor, comedian, composer & musician
TV/Movie Quotes

Pretty bad

Oxymorons

Life’s all about ass – covering it, kicking it, kissing it or trying to get it.

Life

A good appetite needs no sauce.

Food/Drink Proverbs

Held his hind leg

Miscellaneous

New mother – they get a sense of waddya call, “the maternals.”

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Misspokements

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

The only reason I need these gloves is ‘cause of my hands.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Yogi-isms

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley LSD and UNIX; we don't believe this to be a coincidence.

American computer systems administrator
Computers Things

I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife. That something on this spot may boast of life. Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot. Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.

Epitaphs

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

This is just a nightmare waiting to happen.

Mixed metaphors

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Health

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

Darn the luck, viewers apparently have decided to demand competent acting, a direct threat to NBC’s Titans.

American film critic
Reviews/Criticism

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?

Paul Lynde: Heredity!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Death People

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Characteristics Honesty

Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Reviews/Criticism

Phrases such as ‘bring them on’ or ‘dead of alive’ indicated to people that I was… you know… not a man of peace.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms