Random One-Liners

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer
Animals Dogs

It’s a well known hysterical fact: they gave ’em an inch of CzechosloWakia and they took Poland.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

Accidents Children

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name… and you've never been to that bar before.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Relationships Wives

The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number of participants and the time spent on deliberations.

Murphy’s Laws Time

Peter Marshall: In baseball, there’s a special name for the area between a player’s knees and his armpits.

Paul Lynde: Aren’t you glad? Aren’t you glad?! AREN’T YOU GLAD… he used Dial?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
America People Places

Lawyer: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Government

There are too many weird Olympic events now, like that one where the gymnasts prance around the mat swirling a piece of ribbon… it’s called ‘rhythmic gymnastics’ – unless you’re five, then it’s called ‘playing.’

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Sports

Venereal Disease: Germs of endearment.

Definitions Health

There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Alcohol Food/Drink

Maddened Cow Leads Farmers' Protest

Headlines

Woody: What do you say to a cold one, Norm?

Norm: See you later, Vera [his wife]; I’m going to Cheers.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

German in the most extravagantly ugly language – it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747.

(1937 – 1996) English cartoonist, satirist, comedian & actor
Communication Insults Language

Here I at length repose, My spirit now at aise is; With the tips of my toes And the point of my nose Turned up to the roots of the daisies.

Epitaphs

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

(1844 – 1924) French novelist
Characteristics People

The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can’t help it.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Communication Reading/Writing

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Health Misspokements Speech

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

Miscellaneous