Random One-Liners

It is a known fact that the sheep that give us steel wool have no natural enemies.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
Animals

A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.

(1894 – 1974) comedian, radio & television host
Food/Drink

Cats don’t belong to people; they belong to places.


Animals Cats

Peter Marshall: Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully… "We work together, we pray together and we're darn good…" What?

Paul Lynde: In the saddle.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than the man who inherited his father’s store or farm.

(1916 – 1962) American sociologist & professor
Situations

I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.

(1891 – 1968) American publisher of The New York Times
Intelligence Mind

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Alcohol Characteristics Doctors Health

Nearly all prophecies made in public are wrong.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Situations

You’d call an alligator a lizard.

Miscellaneous

Mini supermarket

Oxymorons

Nobody here but us chickens.

Miscellaneous

Tragic comedy

Oxymorons

The trouble with the profit system has always been that it was highly unprofitable to most people.

(1899 – 1985) US author & humorist
Money People

Teachers: United Mind Workers.

Definitions Education Wordplay

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.

(1892 – 1976) oil industrialist (once world’s richest man)
Characteristics Money

You would think with all the money she saves on food she could buy a dress.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People

Marge, you know it's rude to talk when my mouth is full.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
TV/Movie Quotes

Human Version of Fly Gene Found

Headlines

When I picked up the little dead mouse that my cat had killed, at first I felt sad… then I felt hungry; I forget what happened after that.

Miscellaneous

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations