Random One-Liners

No matter how many hot dogs you consume at home, they always taste better at the ball park.

Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host
People Situations Things

Patsy: What will you drink if you stop drinking?
Edina: I shall drink water.
Patsy: [Blank look]
Edina: It’s a mixer, Patsy, we have it with whisky.

(1958 – ) English comedian, screenwriter & actress
Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes

In this world there are only two tragedies: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Problems

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?

Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian
Hollywood Squares

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Yogi-isms

It's just like they always say – too much too late.

English football player & manager
Misspokements

When you are right, be logical; when you are wrong, be-fuddle.

Communication Murphy’s Laws

Loved Ben, hated Hur.

Reviews/Criticism

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

To live is to dance… to dance is to live.

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)
Dance Entertainment Life

Nolan Ryan is pitching much better now that he has his curve ball straightened out.

(1926 – 2016) American baseball player, announcer & television host
Baseball Sports

People who wear glass slippers shouldn't kick stones.

Mixed metaphors

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Education Sex Young

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws Work

Always remember: golf clubs don’t float.

Golf Sports

Only one thing, is impossible for God; to find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Government Law

Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
Misspokements

… without embarrassing parents there’d be no psychology.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer
Family Parents TV/Movie Quotes

What a crowd, what a turnout.

(1946 – ) American cretin & 45th U.S. president
Miscellaneous