Random One-Liners

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

Clothing Malaprops

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Beliefs God Religion

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
People

Why should I give my readers bad lines of my own when good ones of other people’s are so plenty?

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Communication

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Communication

Myth and Monsters Exhibition Entertains and Eductaes

Headlines

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men Relationships

Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy’s Laws Problems

“Here lies my wife in earthy mold, Who when she died and naught but scold. Good friends go softly in your walking lest she should wake and rise up talking”

Epitaphs

Married at the hip

Mixed metaphors

Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.


Communication Reading/Writing

80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper

Miscellaneous

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Individuals Women

Of course… once.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places

Fable: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

Definitions

That’s the worst taste I’ve had in my mouth with the lights on!

Miscellaneous

Peter Marshall: What can you tell about the Pope when he puts on his purple robe?

Tom Poston: He’s ready for his pipe and slippers!

(1921 – 2007) American actor
Hollywood Squares

Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Friends Marriage Men

We stunk… we blocked bad… we were terrible on defense and our kicking game made up for it by being absolutely horrible; I saw nothing that delighted me, though we ran on the field fairly well.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach
Football Sports

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Money Poverty

When arguing with a stupid person, be sure he isn’t doing the same thing.

Fools Intelligence