Random One-Liners

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

You’re a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing great with you!

(1935 – 2002) English actor, comedian, composer & musician

Pretty bad

Life’s all about ass – covering it, kicking it, kissing it or trying to get it.

A good appetite needs no sauce.

Held his hind leg

New mother – they get a sense of waddya call, “the maternals.”

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The only reason I need these gloves is ‘cause of my hands.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley LSD and UNIX; we don't believe this to be a coincidence.

American computer systems administrator

I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife. That something on this spot may boast of life. Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot. Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

This is just a nightmare waiting to happen.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter

Darn the luck, viewers apparently have decided to demand competent acting, a direct threat to NBC’s Titans.

American film critic

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?

Paul Lynde: Heredity!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter

Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Phrases such as ‘bring them on’ or ‘dead of alive’ indicated to people that I was… you know… not a man of peace.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president