Random One-Liners

Like two skeletons copulating on a corrugated tin roof.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

Sam: [angry] You want to know the truth? It wasn’t four honeys. It was four hundred women… easy.

Diane: [coolly] They’d have to be.

(1949 – ) American actress

You can build a throne with bayonets, but it’s difficult to sit on it.


Confucius say… alarm clock is something that makes people rise and whine.

Don King dresses like a pimp and speechifies like a store-front preacher.

boxing writer

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.

(1959 – ) U.S. Representative (South Carolina)

Baseball has been good to me since I quit trying to play it.

(1931 – ) American baseball player & manager

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

What makes Teflon stick to the pan?

(1946 – ) American comedian

Strip the phony tinsel off Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

The hula dance is simple: you put some grass on one hip, some more grass on the other hip, and then you rotate the crops.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

So little time and so little to do.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.

(1945 – ) American singer-songwriter, musician & children’s author

I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart.


Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Now that I am sixty, I see why the idea of elder wisdom has passed from currency.

(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more, but how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist

He’s a good ol’ dog, but sometimes he sh*ts to close to the porch.

I used to go out with a homeless girl… it was great 'cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere.

(1957 – ) American comedian

Don't be in such a hurry.

(1915 – 1959) American jazz singer & songwriter