Random One-Liners

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Emotions Laughter Sex

Diamond: One of the hardest substances known to man – especially the payments on one.

Definitions Things

Peter Marshall: What’s that thing to the east of Sweden?

Paul Lynde: Have you seen Anita Ekberg lately?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Tears cannot restore her –– therefore I weep.

Epitaphs

 When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.

professional baseball player
Baseball Sports

If I see something sagging, bagging, and dragging, I’m going to nip, tuck it, and suck it.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress
Appearance Body

Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Murphy’s Laws

You don’t listen to a guy who looks like the kid in ‘Deliverance’ all grown up.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Beliefs Government Opinion Politicians

I can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.

(1904 – 1995) American comedian, jazz musician & singer
Alcohol Food/Drink Self

1. Beauty is only skin deep, but it’s a superficial world. 2. Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder, yet pin-ups find plenty of room.

Appearance

Dolphins, Whales, Seals Do Research

Headlines

I would worship the ground you walk on, Audrey, if you only lived in a better neighborhood.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Characteristics Speech

Margot: My lucky scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish.
Serena: You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final.
Margot: Yeah… luckily!

(1976 – ) American actress & singer
TV/Movie Quotes

You know you're getting old when you start to dress in more than six colors.

(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author
Age Appearance Clothing Old

This corpse is Phebe Thorps.

Epitaphs

Specialist: A man who knows more and more about less and less.

Definitions

Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at least once more.

Murphy’s Laws

So take it from me, Thornton Melon, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

When a man tells me he’s going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.

(1893 – 1957) British politician
Beliefs Honesty Situations

Dr Phil's Simple Plan To Make You Thin

Headlines

Never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself; never miss a chance to rest your feet.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
Situations