Random One-Liners

You’re welcome to take a bath; you look like the second week of the garbage strike.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter
Appearance

… having too much collateral in your blood.

Health Malaprops

The pain goes away on payday.

(1902 – 1975) comedian, actor & member of The Three Stooges
Acting Entertainment Money

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Communication Religion Speech

Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Dogs Emotions Love

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals

I went to Missouri… I got a speeding ticket for $130; that’s a bunch of crap… rent’s not $130 in Missouri.

(1975 – ) American comedian
Places

There once was a man named Don, who fell asleep out on his lawn. They thought he was pretending to be dead, then a tombstone fell on his head. And now Don is long gone.

Epitaphs

Fifty percent of America’s population spends less than ten dollars a month on romance; you know what we call these people? … Men.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Men Money People

Stroke: Any forward movement of the golf club that is made with the intention of hitting and moving the ball and is observed by another golfer.

Definitions Golf Sports

And so, I hope investors, you know-secondly, I hope investors hold investments for periods of time – that I've always found the best investments are those that you salt away based on economics.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

She’s got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.

Miscellaneous

Chicken: An egg factory.

Animals Definitions

Busier than a one-legged man in a butt kickin' contest.

Miscellaneous

Well, that's a feather in your pocket.

Mixed metaphors

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost and people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Miscellaneous People Self

Michael Madsen? Michelle Rodriguez? ‘I’ll take “Actors Who Should Never Appear in Period Pieces” for $500, Alex.’

writer, editor & film reviewer
Reviews/Criticism

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.

writer
Activities Family Mothers

No, no… Jimmy Stewart for governor… Ronald Reagan for his best friend.

(1892 – 1978) Canadian-American film producer (Warner Brothers)
Entertainment Film People Situations

Cricket shouldn't be used as a political football.

English cricketer
Misspokements Sports