Random One-Liners

We don't need to skirt around the bush.

Mixed metaphors

For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant, and no matter what you order off that menu, you walk out of there going, ‘Damn, that was good!'

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Men People Sex

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Government Money Poverty Taxes

Diet: selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.

Definitions Food/Drink

Confucius say… who mix Rogaine with Viagra will end up hard headed.

Confucius say

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Family

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Characteristics Intelligence Problems

There are three kinds of men: the ones who learn by reading; the few who learn by observation; the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Intelligence People

I ruined my hands in the ring… the referee kept stepping on them.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Football Sports

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Health

If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arrangement.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright
Sports

The defense breasts.

(1971 – ) American actress
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

You'd think such a little mind would be lonely in such a big head.

(1852 – 1917) English actor & theater manager
Insults Intelligence

Isn’t it funny how everyone in favor of abortion has already been born.

(1956 – ) English actor
Beliefs

Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic.

professional baseball player
Misspokements Sports

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store.

Miscellaneous

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Government

Go to L.A. – they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green.

American stand-up comedian
Conflict People Places

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics

If you can leave two black stripes from the exit of one corner to the braking zone of the next, you have enough horsepower.

American auto racer
Auto racing Sports

A body at rest tends to watch television.

Entertainment Murphy’s Laws Television