Random One-Liners

We All Hope And Pray For Peach In Northern Ireland

Headlines

If you use a pole saw to saw a limb while standing on an aluminum ladder borrowed from your neighbor, the limb will fall in such a way as to bend the ladder before it knocks you to the ground.

Murphy’s Laws Problems

Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a fairy?

Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren’t everything!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Motion Sickness Nightmare

film critic
Reviews/Criticism

GELOW – Francis & Yvonne – On Vacation – Hold mail – Lived

Epitaphs

I like Florida… everything is in the 80's… the temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Places

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitch folk.

(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Appearance Clothing Insults

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy… you just say what the thing does and add “er.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

An acquaintance, describing an unpopular man: He's his own worst enemy.

Adams: Not while I'm around.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Insults

Peter Marshall:  Do rosey cheeks always mean good health?

Charley Weaver: Not if you're sitting on a radiator!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares

Washington: first in war, first in peace, and last in the American League.

(1860 – 1931) American baseball writer & humorist
Baseball Sports

Diane: Sam, may I have a brief word with you?

Sam: I suppose you could, but I doubt it.

(1947) is an American actor, author & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

Acme: Spots on the top of your head.

Definitions

Most people still believe in a hard day’s work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Time Work

If you are flattering a woman, it pays to be a little more subtle; you don’t have to bother with men, they believe any compliment automatically.

(1939 – ) English playwright
Characteristics Men People Women

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright
Money Sex

You have to take the bad with the worse.

Mixed metaphors

If it bends it's funny. If it breaks, it's not funny.

(1936 – ) American actor, director & screenwriter
Emotions

Mr. Schuster: I didn’t know Orientals had a sense of humor.

Yemana: Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.

(1917 – 1979) Japanese-American actor
TV/Movie Quotes

We’ve lost our last eight matches. The only team that we have beaten is Western Samoa. It’s a good job we didn’t play the whole of Samoa!

Welsh rugby player
Misspokements Sports

If I seem out of it tonight, it's 'cause I'm hooked on phonics.

comedian
Communication Drugs Language