Random One-Liners

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Democracy Government

A plumber's idea of Cleopatra.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
People

She was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.

(1870 – 1916) British writer
Cooking Food/Drink Occupations Work

Squirrel Turns City Dark, Sets Grass Fire

Headlines

Every time I see him, he's not there.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Yogi-isms

A little emasculated mass of inanity.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president
Insults

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

He was young – He was fair – But the Injuns – Raised his hair

Conflict Epitaphs Hair Young

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down – it was.

Epitaphs

Natural gas is hemispheric; I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

My fiancé and I are having a little disagreement; what I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; what he wants is to break off our engagement.


Dating Marriage Relationships

There are some similarities, of course [between Iraq and Vietnam] – death is terrible.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Death Misspokements

A steaming pile of clichés and screaming unlikelihoods.

arts editor
Reviews/Criticism

I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.

(1980 – ) English comedian & writer
Sex

ESPN is like your family, it’s always there: the networks are like your mother-in-law… they are there on the weekends.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Sports Television

I know two kinds of audiences only – one coughing, and one not coughing.

(1882 – 1951) Austrian composer & pianist
Entertainment Music

Not a gentleman… dresses too well.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Appearance Clothing Insults

Women don’t respect salad eaters.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Men People TV/Movie Quotes Women

Silicone Treatment: The bust that money can buy.

Appearance Body Definitions

Confucius say… man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.

Confucius say

Last year, I reviewed a nine-hour documentary about the lives of Mongolian yak herdsmen, and I would rather see it again than sit through The Frighteners.

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter
Reviews/Criticism