Author: Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death… and if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Occupations Work

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Age Old

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year… then I'm going to Lourdes.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Doctors Health

I had a terrible education… I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Education School

Luna: You were screaming out different names in your sleep.

Miles: I was having sexual nightmares.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Miscellaneous

I hate reality… but nevertheless, it’s still the only place to get a good steak.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Eating Food/Drink Life

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Art Entertainment Life Television

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Animals Conflict Situations Sleep

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Entertainment Film Money

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Eating Food/Drink

Luna Schlosser: What’s it feel like to be dead for 200 years?

Miles Monroe: Like spending a weekend in Beverly Hills.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Money

I haven’t seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I’d been going all this time, I’d probably almost be cured by now.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Death is an acquired trait.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Clothing Science/Weather

I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Education School

God is silent; now if only man would shut up.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God People

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad; the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Situations Sleep

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Places

The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, to think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death