Occupations | Just-One-Liners.com

Subject: Work » Occupations

(1866 – 1946) English author

Occupations Work Church Hell Sailors

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations Doorman

My first job consisted of me answering a phone… but it wasn't for me.

Mark Simmons

British comedian

Occupations Self Work

If I’m making millions to put a ball through a hoop, you can’t ever piss me off.

Ty Barnett

(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

Money Occupations Sports Work On fights at basketball games

Cosmologists are often in error, but never in doubt.

Lev Landau

(1908 – 1968) Soviet physicist

Occupations Science/Weather Work Cosmologists

We’re all endowed with God-given talents… mine happens to be hitting people in the head.

Sugar Ray Leonard

American boxing champion

Boxing Occupations Sports

The only difference between a “hair stylist” and a regular barber is the price.

Anonymous

Occupations Work Barber Hair stylist

People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.

Ed O’Neill

(1946 – ) American actor

Occupations TV/Movie Quotes Work As Al Bundy in “Married With Children”

Philosopher: One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations Philosopher

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

Mitch Hedberg

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Occupations Work

Being a reporter is as much a diagnosis as a job description.

Anna Quindlen

(1953 – ) American author, journalist & opinion columnist

Occupations Work Reporters

Expert: An ordinary man away from home giving advice.

Oscar Wilde

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Occupations People Expert

If a scientist were to cut his ear off, no one would take it as evidence of a heightened sensibility.

Peter Medawar

(1915 – 1987) Brazilian/British biologist

Intelligence Occupations Science/Weather Work Of painter Vincent van Gogh

Statistician: Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations Work Statistician

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent… unless the job is a statistician.

Adam Gropman

Comedian

Occupations Work Statistician

It is easier to square the circle than to get round a mathematician.

Augustus de Morgan

(1806 – 1871) English mathematician

Occupations Science/Weather Work Mathematicians

Easiest job in the world of course: Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing… no worries… next.”

Milton Jones

(1964 – ) English comedian

Occupations Work Australia Psychiatrists

Executive: An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations Executive

Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.

Anonymous

Definitions Occupations Architects

I learned in business that you had to be very careful when you told somebody that’s working for you to do something, because the chances were very high he’d do it; in government, you don’t have to worry about that.

George Schultz

(1920 – ) U.S. Secretary of State economist, statesman & businessman

Characteristics Government Occupations People Work Business

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Subject: Work » Occupations

Statistician: One who knows which numbers to use in any eventuality.

Sailors ought never to go to church; they ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.

My first job consisted of me answering a phone… but it wasn't for me.

If I’m making millions to put a ball through a hoop, you can’t ever piss me off.

Cosmologists are often in error, but never in doubt.

We’re all endowed with God-given talents… mine happens to be hitting people in the head.

The only difference between a “hair stylist” and a regular barber is the price.

People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.

Philosopher: One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man… Knock knock… “Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?”

Being a reporter is as much a diagnosis as a job description.

Expert: An ordinary man away from home giving advice.

If a scientist were to cut his ear off, no one would take it as evidence of a heightened sensibility.

Statistician: Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent… unless the job is a statistician.

It is easier to square the circle than to get round a mathematician.

Easiest job in the world of course: Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing… no worries… next.”

Executive: An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head.

Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.

I learned in business that you had to be very careful when you told somebody that’s working for you to do something, because the chances were very high he’d do it; in government, you don’t have to worry about that.