Subject: Appearance

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Marriage

She not only kept her lovely figure, she’s added so much to it.

(1927 – 1987) actor, dancer, choreographer, director, screenwriter & director
Appearance Body Insults

No woman can be too rich or too thin.

Duchess of Windsor (1896 – 1986) American socialite & wife of the Prince Edward, formerly King Edward VIII
Appearance People Wealth Women

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Clothing Military Murphy’s Laws

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Appearance Clothing

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Appearance Body

He is so fat… his blood type is Ragu.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Appearance Insults

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?… a small part of me says yes.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

This girl was ugly. They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Ugly

She is so fat… at the zoo, the elephants throw peanuts at her.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

His ears are so big… he heard the sun come up.

Appearance Body Exaggerations

If God had intended us to go around naked, He would have made us that way.

Appearance Beliefs Clothing God

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high… she looked surprised.

Appearance

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Appearance Body Insults

Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away.

Appearance Murphy’s Laws

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Appearance Entertainment Music

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

Armor: The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Clothing Definitions

She is so fat… when you tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Clothing Sex Wives