Author: Demetri Martin

I have an ‘l’ shaped sofa… lower case.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Entertainment

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Food/Drink Games

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said “you’re an asshole.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Language Reading/Writing

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Government President

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Books Communication People Reading/Writing

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said “Guess.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Places

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Death

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'… I thought, it must suck to work there.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink Situations Work

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

Per capita – just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ – but any number in between? … uhuh.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language