Author: Demetri Martin Page 2

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Reading/Writing

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Fear

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Things

I need to develop some patience — immediately.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Characteristics

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Death

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments; luckily there was a number on the box.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Eating Food/Drink

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added “ish” to every number.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Time

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Emotions Food/Drink Things

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Government President

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name… DJ Abraham Lincoln.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things