Author: Henny Youngman

Generally speaking, my wife is generally speaking.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication Marriage Speech Wives

You know what I did before I married? … anything I wanted to.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Clothing Marriage

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Baseball Sports

I played a great horse yesterday; it took seven horses to beat him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses… drinks right out of the bottle.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Age Food/Drink Old

I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Places Wives

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Money

While playing golf today I hit two good balls… I stepped on a rake.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Golf Sports

Americans are getting stronger; twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries… today, a five-year-old can do it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Money

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Places

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Alcohol Communication Food/Drink Reading/Writing

Room service has an unlisted number.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Places

Bore: A guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
People

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Insults Marriage

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Family Mothers Ugly

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Happiness Marriage

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Autos Driving Things

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Situations Time