Subject: Health » Doctors

The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Doctors Health Life People

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Money

You know, the only difference between me and a surgeon or a pediatrician is that when I approach a couple with a child and say, ‘I’d like to keep him for a few days and do some bloodwork,’ it’s considered inappropriate.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Doctors Entertainment Health

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Health Money

My doctor is wonderful; once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

(1918 – 2007) American entertainer, actor & television host
Doctors Health Money

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look… twins!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Doctors

Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you’re not.

Doctors Lawyers Murphy’s Laws

If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

[to the doctor] How about what I done for you in the bottle there? Ya know, the eulogy test.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Doctors Health Malaprops

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year… then I'm going to Lourdes.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Doctors Health

Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter
Doctors Health

I went to medical school here at Columbia; I got my M.D.; and was practicing out in Colorado, where I decided to quit and do stand-up – and not just because of the lawsuits.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician
Doctors Education Health Law School

The psychiatrist’s office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Doctors Health

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
Death Doctors Health Money

Cold: An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor’s care, and in fourteen days without it.

Definitions Doctors Health

There are only two sorts of doctors: those who practice with their brains, and those who practice with their tongues.

(1849 – 1919) Canadian physician
Doctors Health

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Doctors Health Insults

A rule of thumb in the matter of medical advice is to take everything any doctor says with a grain of aspirin.


Doctors Health Wordplay

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Doctors Health

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Doctors Golf Health Sports

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Fools Intelligence