Author: Jerry Seinfeld

It’s like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match and I’m letting Him win.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up.’

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Clothing TV/Movie Quotes

The helmet is one of the least effective inventions of mankind. It's designed to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly as to be unable to prevent itself from being cracked open on its own.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Intelligence

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? … are they afraid someone will clean them?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Places

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Reading/Writing

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Lies Reading/Writing

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing; just show me somebody naked.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Communication Reading/Writing Sex

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sports

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.”

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Old

I was the best man at the wedding; if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Marriage

People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Relationships TV/Movie Quotes

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Newman: I’m a little offended, Jerry.

Jerry: You’re not a little anything, Newman.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Appearance Body TV/Movie Quotes

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Animals Dogs

Men don’t care what’s on TV… they only care what else is on TV.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Entertainment Men People Television