Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, insults, proverbs & much more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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Humorous, ironic, satirical or just plain odd last words
Don't ask me how I am! I understand nothing more.
Hans Christian Andersen
(1805 – 1875) Danish author & poet noted for his children's stories
Go away. I'm all right.
(1866 – 1946) English author
Wells did not realize he was dying.
I don't feel good.
(1849 – 1926) American botanist & horticulturist
Burbank died after a heart attack followed by gastrointestinal complications.
Oh, what's the bloody point?
Kenneth Charles Williams
(1926 – 1988) English comic actor & comedian
This was the final entry in his diary.
My work is done, why wait?
(1854 – 1932) American innovator & founder of Eastman Kodak
Written in his suicide letter
I want nothing but death.
(1775 – 1817) English novelist
In response to her sister who had asked her if she wanted something
You guys doin' that right?
Stanley Tookie Williams
(1953 – 2005) American co-founder of the Crips, a notorious street gang, convicted robber & murderer
Said to his executioners who appeared to be having trouble operating the machinery.
This is too tight.
(1823 – 1865) Swiss-born Confederate officer in the American Civil War
He was tried and executed after the war for conspiracy and murder. Despite a lack of credible evidence Wirtz was convicted and hung.
Applaud, my friends, the comedy is finished.
Ludwig van Beethoven
(1770 – 1827) German composer & pianist
Phrase traditionally used to end a performance of a comedy
Subject of dispute
It wasn't worth it.
Louis B. Mayer
(1884 – 1957) Russian-born American film producer
I will not go down to posterity talking bad grammar.
(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
It's all been rather lovely.
John Le Mesurier
(1912 – 1983) English actor
Before slipping into a final coma
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”
(1956 – ) American comedian
I am curious to see what happens in the next world to one who dies unshriven.
(c.1446/1450 – 1523) Italian Renaissance painter
Giving his reasons for refusing to see a priest as he lay dying
Well, if it must be so.
(1843 – 1907) Norwegian composer & pianist
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Thomas J. Grasso
Taylor C. Craig (1960 – 1995) American double-convicted murderer
Executed by injection in Oklahoma
Referring to his requested last meal
Well, I've had a happy life.
(1778 – 1830) English writer, essayist, critic, grammarian & philosopher
Born in a hotel room, and Goddammit, died in one!
(1888 – 1953) American playwright
Curtain! Fast music! Light! Ready for the last finale! Great! The show looks good, the show looks good!
Florenz Ziegfeld Jr.
(1867 – 1932) American Broadway impresario
Oh that press will have me now!
Alfred (Lord) Tennyson
(1809 – 1892) Poet Laureate of the United Kingdom
Now why did I do that?
General William Erskine
(1728 – 1795) British Army commander
Said after he jumped from a window in Lisbon Portugal in 1813.
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